There are now literally millions of people trying and finding success with online dating. However, there are more that don't have success and just feel rejected and alone. So before you jump in, it's worth taking some time to improve your chances.
Your profile picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Oh, you didn't think you would be able to do this without a picture at all, did you?
And you weren't hoping that you would be able to get away with an old photo or just snapping a selfie on your phone, were you?
Tut, tut, tut.
I'm sorry to say, but you will need photos, and you might even need to spend some time creating them so they are tailored to your online dating message.
Psychologists have been studying online dating for about as long as people have been trying it, and they have found some interesting things. Basically, everyone feels that everyone else is lying largely because there is no way to check if they are telling the truth. In real life we like reading other people's non-verbal cues to judge if we think they are lying. But because online there are less of those, everyone assumes you are lying, and the few cues that remain take on even greater importance.
Your photos are one of the the best ways to support what you say and make you appear honest. However, if you aren't careful, it will also be 'telling' people things about you that you don't know.
So just to reinforce, you need photos, and you need to know what they are saying. If you put up a photo that you have clearly taken yourself, then it is going to be read as saying you have no friends. Sad, but true.
This is not the time to get scared and stick your head in the sand. By understanding the top mistakes people usually make in their photos, you can get yourself ahead of 90% of the online population. So let's get started.
1. Pictures of Something Else
Looking through a list of potential matches, face after face, and then suddenly, bam. A sunset. Or a dog. Or some other random object. While you may just be shy, or trying to get across the message you love animals, this is not how it is going to be interpreted. Immediately the user is going to think that there is something very wrong with your face, or that you are massively insecure (which leads to clingy, needy, psychopathic, etc.) No matter how insecure you are, always put up a photo of yourself. It's just not fair otherwise.
2. Me with All My Mates
Using photos of you with a lot of other people can support your statement that you have great friends. However, it also has some negative connotations that I think you should be aware of. First, it says you have put no effort whatsoever into choosing photos for your profile, as you've just grabbed them off Facebook. Second, everyone will automatically assume you are the most ugly person in the photo. Sorry, but it's true.
3. The Ex Photo
Posting a picture of you with a member of the opposite sex is not actually helping your cause. You might think you are showing that you have pulled well before, but that's not how it's going to come across. While browsing online, most people are critical and defensive. They are not going to judge you kindly for showing them a picture of someone hotter than they are. There are no real advantages, and many potential disadvantages, so just avoid it.
4. My Comic Ugly Shot
Making yourself ugly on purpose is a bad idea, even if it is a hilarious photo. Trust me when I say that everyone will assume that your worst photo is the most realistic. You don't want that image of you stuck in their minds when they talk to you, do you? So don't use it.
5. The Headless Horseman
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. Outdated Photos
There is a distinct difference between a 20 year old and a 40 year old. Trying to pass off an older photo of yourself as what you really look like is going to backfire at some stage. Maybe not now, but eventually. Your main photo needs to be taken within the last few months, after any major changes (severe hair cut, plastic surgery, etc.) Think of it as an opportunity to create some even better new photos of yourself.
7. My Professional Glamor Shot
You need to be careful using professional glamor shots online. While they might make you look fantastic, there are a few subtle messages that they give off you need to be aware of. First, they are notorious for being unrealistic, so it won't add to how attractive people actually perceive you. Second, they can make you come across as egotistical and self-centered, because you paid to have someone make you look good. You want to create natural looking snaps, that just happen to make you look as good as a professional would.
8. Look At Me, I'm Drunk
I'm sorry, but no one is attractive when they are drunk, not even supermodels. This is similar to the previous note on comic ugly shots. There are much better ways to show that you like a good time.
9. Where Are You Photos
Profile photos should not be a game of Where's Wally. You should be clearly visible, which means not out of focus, out of the shot, or just a speck in the background. You want to give as much evidence about what you actually look like. People have seem mountains, they haven't seen you. So unless it has a very particular and irreplaceable purpose demonstrating your message, find a better shot.
If you are prepared to go out and make a day of taking some great, fresh and creative shots, you never have to fear the online profile photo. So go and have fun.
Your profile picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Oh, you didn't think you would be able to do this without a picture at all, did you?
And you weren't hoping that you would be able to get away with an old photo or just snapping a selfie on your phone, were you?
Tut, tut, tut.
I'm sorry to say, but you will need photos, and you might even need to spend some time creating them so they are tailored to your online dating message.
Psychologists have been studying online dating for about as long as people have been trying it, and they have found some interesting things. Basically, everyone feels that everyone else is lying largely because there is no way to check if they are telling the truth. In real life we like reading other people's non-verbal cues to judge if we think they are lying. But because online there are less of those, everyone assumes you are lying, and the few cues that remain take on even greater importance.
Your photos are one of the the best ways to support what you say and make you appear honest. However, if you aren't careful, it will also be 'telling' people things about you that you don't know.
So just to reinforce, you need photos, and you need to know what they are saying. If you put up a photo that you have clearly taken yourself, then it is going to be read as saying you have no friends. Sad, but true.
This is not the time to get scared and stick your head in the sand. By understanding the top mistakes people usually make in their photos, you can get yourself ahead of 90% of the online population. So let's get started.
1. Pictures of Something Else
Looking through a list of potential matches, face after face, and then suddenly, bam. A sunset. Or a dog. Or some other random object. While you may just be shy, or trying to get across the message you love animals, this is not how it is going to be interpreted. Immediately the user is going to think that there is something very wrong with your face, or that you are massively insecure (which leads to clingy, needy, psychopathic, etc.) No matter how insecure you are, always put up a photo of yourself. It's just not fair otherwise.
2. Me with All My Mates
Using photos of you with a lot of other people can support your statement that you have great friends. However, it also has some negative connotations that I think you should be aware of. First, it says you have put no effort whatsoever into choosing photos for your profile, as you've just grabbed them off Facebook. Second, everyone will automatically assume you are the most ugly person in the photo. Sorry, but it's true.
3. The Ex Photo
Posting a picture of you with a member of the opposite sex is not actually helping your cause. You might think you are showing that you have pulled well before, but that's not how it's going to come across. While browsing online, most people are critical and defensive. They are not going to judge you kindly for showing them a picture of someone hotter than they are. There are no real advantages, and many potential disadvantages, so just avoid it.
4. My Comic Ugly Shot
Making yourself ugly on purpose is a bad idea, even if it is a hilarious photo. Trust me when I say that everyone will assume that your worst photo is the most realistic. You don't want that image of you stuck in their minds when they talk to you, do you? So don't use it.
5. The Headless Horseman
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. Outdated Photos
There is a distinct difference between a 20 year old and a 40 year old. Trying to pass off an older photo of yourself as what you really look like is going to backfire at some stage. Maybe not now, but eventually. Your main photo needs to be taken within the last few months, after any major changes (severe hair cut, plastic surgery, etc.) Think of it as an opportunity to create some even better new photos of yourself.
7. My Professional Glamor Shot
You need to be careful using professional glamor shots online. While they might make you look fantastic, there are a few subtle messages that they give off you need to be aware of. First, they are notorious for being unrealistic, so it won't add to how attractive people actually perceive you. Second, they can make you come across as egotistical and self-centered, because you paid to have someone make you look good. You want to create natural looking snaps, that just happen to make you look as good as a professional would.
8. Look At Me, I'm Drunk
I'm sorry, but no one is attractive when they are drunk, not even supermodels. This is similar to the previous note on comic ugly shots. There are much better ways to show that you like a good time.
9. Where Are You Photos
Profile photos should not be a game of Where's Wally. You should be clearly visible, which means not out of focus, out of the shot, or just a speck in the background. You want to give as much evidence about what you actually look like. People have seem mountains, they haven't seen you. So unless it has a very particular and irreplaceable purpose demonstrating your message, find a better shot.
If you are prepared to go out and make a day of taking some great, fresh and creative shots, you never have to fear the online profile photo. So go and have fun.
About the Author:
This has been adapted from Buffy Greentree's new book The Nice Guy's Guide To Online Dating Profiles, available on Amazon and Buffy's website, www.100firstdrafts.com.
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